Brave decision I made as 23 dumb girl

Today, finally I'm able to voice it out without ache in the heart, ache that was used to sting through bones and chill to the bottom of heart. It's solely sharing of own thoughts, to my future self which I'll able to read what I was experiencing throughout stages of life, the post is not meant to criticize anyone.

Looking back to the relationship, it hits real hard, I realized everything was toxic. Not sure if the people or the relationship was toxic. But recalling back, I guess I was with someone who was quite manipulative. The adjective 'manipulative' wasn't just what I thought, but from his close friend as well. Throughout the relationship, he claimed I did not pay attention enough to him, I wasn't caring enough towards him and so on, he always said I care about my friends more than him. For people who have been with me before I met him, everyone knew I put him first before friends (shame on me haha!). 

Things were all good at first, till there was a time (without warning or anything happened), things started changing. I was still trying to hold onto the relationship, there were countless times that he wanted to call it off, and I even shoved all my ego, sense of shame, and begged him not to. It was like WHAT.THE.FUCK? I cried and begged him, told him I'd care for him more, I'd listen to him, and cried and cried and cried. There was a time when we quarreled almost every week when we met (I always drove all the way from KL to Kampar every Friday), and I cried every week. Dumb girl, I know haha! But memories started fading off, now I can't remember most of the good or bad memories we had, guess that's what people call moving on. 

Realization came hitting real hard when this thing which he did took a big turn in the relationship. He cheated on me, things started when it was voting season. I didn't go to Kampar to accompany him, instead going back hometown with bestfriend for voting and staying there till weekend and only back to KL, and decided to stop by Kampar to see him. He started getting closer with this Japanese exchange student who also lived at the same hostel. So they even shared the intimacy acts which I found out through texts, but of course he claimed they did not.

We quarreled again, and of course as the typical him, he put the blame on me, saying I did not care for his feelings and all, the Japanese girl was a good listener. I gave in, and took the blame, thinking it was my fault that I wasn't a good listener. I even told him he can see her as listener, but flirting cannot go beyond physical. I started having panic attack since then, I trembled mostly in sleep, or sometimes during the day.

Till one fine Thursday night, I decided to surprise him by driving there without telling him. We were on the phone earlier, he said he'd go for his friend's hostel. Reached, and decided to talk to the Japanese girl which he refused to let me communicate with before. Knocked the door, damn nervous, more nervous than any public speaking experiences I had, I don't know why I was nervous when it wasn't even my fault. She opened the door, I heard guy's voice, I talked and she said she was sorry and all, she didn't mean to disturb him or get close with him and blablabla. I saw someone moving the window from bathroom, instinct said it was something wrong, asked her open the door to let me see who's inside, she did  not want to, and I pushed the door, taa-daa guess what I saw? 

As dramatic as you guys see in the drama, I saw him naked from head to toe in bathroom. He even said he was just using the bathroom, guess everyone really thinks my IQ is lower than a 3 y/o, perhaps I'm that dumb haha. Of course they had all the fun, which he only admitted after ages.

Me not forgiving him, but after a month, I decided to forgive him and we got back together. The first week everything was good and cool. Till the following weeks, he became scarier. I was scared of him. He constantly told me he wasn't sorry for cheating on me, he told me it was my fault that he cheated and so forth. So many things happened, he'd get very furious even a lil tiny thing happened. The thing that left the most impact till now was, I remembered he was talking about the racial issue like how he used to (not the first time, so many times he'd say something negative about Chinese), and I asked him why must him always say negative thing about it, and never heard of him criticizing about Japanese. The next min, he turned into monster, as if wanted to eat me alive (guess he was furious because of him having fun with the Japanese before, so when I mentioned about Japanese, he was ashamed of what he did), he shouted at me and started cursing. He was patient with my panic attack when we first got back, but eventually he told me to shove up my feeling and he didn't care about it whenever I had panic attack.

Thing continued few more days, when I had to come back KL for exhibition, that morning he was cold, I did not know what I did wrong, clearly I didn't do anything wrong. He texted me he'd talk to me when he felt like to (he did this so many times), and that was the time I decided to end everything. Yes, it might be my fault to end it over texts instead of meeting in person.

I could not take it anymore, that he constantly told me he wasn't sorry for cheating and put the blame on me for his wrongdoing, and he was on and off whenever he felt like to.

That was then I realized my self worth, why did I have to lose myself in order to make someone feel superior? Why did I have to let someone affect my mental health for giving him the power to take control of my life? Why did I shed so much tears for a guy who wouldn't even take care of my panic attack (which he was the root cause)? Even then, I was badly cursed when I wanted to end the relationship.

Lots of whys, and I finally had the courage to decide what is the best for me. After what had happened, I went for counselling sessions, thanks to the counselor and siaozhabo for helping me with the counselling appointment. Of course at first, the break-up didn't come easy, I cried every night, I tried to get drunk so many nights and even puked in the club. 

Enough is enough, and so I finally stood up, decided to love myself more, instead of letting myself go aimlessly. Here I am today, loving myself more and knowing my self worth, building back the confidence and everything else. 

Thank you for everyone who was with me and helped me to go through it, no words can describe how thankful I actually feel although I did not utter a word about it, especially siaozhabo, eelin & cy.
Mommy would be so grateful and thankful to them for taking care of her dumb girl, and she'd be proud of me for taking such decision. Thank you for my counselor, Joey, you're such an angel. To everyone who makes me realize my self-worth, thank you ;')

Losing her means losing everything

    Losing my mother means losing everything in my life because she was the only parent I had. It means everything I do, I relate to her, I think of her, I just can't have anything done without thinking about those what-if-she-is-still-here-and-things-wouldnt-be-the-same-anymore.

    Not to lie to anyone including myself, I did really care about my 21st birthday, maybe I still do. Nah, not about what I got from friends or what, but about receiving a gift from my mother. She passed away in 2014 and of course I couldn't receive any 21st-birthday-gift from her last year. And yes, to be frank, it's heart-wrenching whenever I see everyone's receiving gifts from his or her mother. I'm envious of them, really envious. I still remember how I passed my 21st birthday, I pretended it wasn't my birthday because it made me sad. At the end of the day, just went to get some meal and movie, then was hoping the time could forward fast enough to the next day. Then at the end of the day, I still pretended to be joyful and posted about it. That was sucked huh? I know. So what if my mother was still here, of course she'd make my 21st like a 21st right? I don't ask for any grand celebration, but the warmth and love that I've longed for. So what if she was still there when I was 21st?

    Apart from this, nowadays after I got my license for the purpose of my internship which is on the way of next year September, I was hoping to get a car soon to allow me to practice for at least half of the year to get skillful enough to drive everywhere. So thought of maybe I could drive to campus in the coming trimester or next year January, but hah shame on me! Still a student, so yea need a guarantor to purchase a car of course. Too bad, guess no one is willing to be my guarantor. Well, surely I can understand, stuffs which involve money even though you don't need any single penny from them, who would be willingly to offer you to be your guarantor. They're afraid of those what-ifs too. Like what if Liz can't pay for the installment, then as a guarantor I have to pay for her then? What if Liz can't get a job in future then surely I'd be so dead being her guarantor right? What if and what if...And what if mommy was still here, of course she'll never have a doubt on my capability and be my guarantor, And I'll never have to be so depressed regarding this matter. What if mommy was still here everything will be easier right?

    A lot of stuffs happen throughout these 2++ years. No I don't feel I'm loved, not from the ones I call them family. We can feel everything as long as we're alive. Yea, and I do as well. That's why I said I do not feel loved. Honestly, no sincere love is felt so far from them. Friends are the pillars throughout all this while. But sometimes I feel I'm left out too (I do not know I was really left out for few times or I was too depressed at those times and I overthought and misunderstood them). Without mommy, I lose the ability to feel loved the to love. I don't know what love feels like anymore. What if mommy was still here? I wouldn't have to go through a lot of heartbreakings, by changing my definition of family, love and kindness constantly. I wouldn't have to mask myself to be so short-tempered just to avoid anyone can see through me and notice I'm actually severely broken deep down inside. Same question, what if she was still here today?

    It's been so long that I'm not able to sit down and talk to someone who is as dear as mother. I miss chatting randomly with my mommy, about everything, from crushing on cute guys to future plans. And I can never have this chance, ever again. After everything, I have to mask myself and be that happy-go-lucky-Liz. Grief is meant to be experienced alone, because if it is shared then everyone around is just gonna stay aloof from you because you're emotional one.

    Let me inquire once again, what if she was still here today? What if you woke up and realized everything was just a bad dream? What if they just joked to you about her death in last last few years? What if she came back tomorrow? What if she's really up there looking at you, blogging about your sorrow? What if I died of the heartache because it makes me hard to catch my own breath everytime it strikes? What if ...

My last trimester of year 2, cheer!

    Bello, Liz's here. I mean finally I'm back.

    Year 2 trimester 3 has by far the busiest trimester in my university life. Five subjects, four of them are with practical classes. So imagine, a week with four lab session, and four lab reports. Goshhhh, I can't go back thinking about it, definitely a nightmare. Apart from this, ASSIGNMENTS were the nightmares too! As well as midterm tests and quizzes, can you imagine all the midterm tests for these subjects were carried out in the period of a month? I was having test or quiz each of the week for a month, and I remembered one of those weeks I had a combo of three tests and quizzes. I survived, you know why? Apparently because I did not do revision for ant of the tests or quizzes. HAHA! I don't know where did I get that bravery from, but yes I did not do revision. I was not me, I was lost, I couldn't focus in study, I couldn't understand when I tried to read a simple sentence. Guess the grief consumed me again. And some friend issues, sorry no longer friends. They're like ughhhhhh, yuckkkk! I was hurt deeply, so there you go people, I declare to y'all I don't need you both anymore. I think they're part of the reasons that made me down, because after stop mingling around, I certainly become more joyful. 

    This trimester I join something new, guess what? I join wushu club hahaha, unbelievable I know right! Well, I join sanda or sanshou division, it's also known as Chinese kickboxing. Ohmigoshh it's like ok no one is gonna believe me. HAHA I understand! But well, that's the truth. Ok, let me tell the first reason why I join this. It's because of my crush hahahha so funny. For the sake of crush, I change myself from the what the society so-called girlish girl to a so-called masculine one. Because society thinks only guys play this game lol. But ok, let me get clear, I'm addicted after start the first training. After first or second training (I can't remember clearly) my crush stopped, but I still attend. So it's because I'm interested in the kickboxing, not because of him anymore. In case you wonder what's sanda, click here to watch this short video of female category.

    Y'all must be wondering why I start to be so keen in it right? Well, first the physical training is addictive. We have to run around the center for 10 rounds, which was kind of addictive but not anymore haha. I hardly can catch my breathe due to my Thalassemia. Then we have 80 times of frog jumping, haha I'm not able to walk properly after that 80 times but it's fun. Then handstand, obviously I'm not able to do it on my own yet haha. Even with the help, I can't handstand for more than 5 seconds then I drop lol. The rolling forward and backward, yeshhhh you do not read wrongly. We roll like the swissrolls hahaha! Recently I just master the right technique to enable me to roll forward. I'm ok with backward rolling but not really with the front rolling. Also, the cartwheeling. So cool but I'm not able to wheel over hahaha! The rest warmups are stretching. The beginning of training, my friend and I couldn't walk properly for few days haha.

    We started picking up the kickboxing techniques already. My legs are such noobs, I can't kick hard with them. But coach said I have quite powerful hands, I can punch real hard. I remembered once in training, I was punched by a guy because I was too slow to block the punch, and my tooth bled. Sound scary right lol. But my fighting passion came from that moment, I realized I can't be so weak, I either train my punches or kicks to be strong, then only I would not get punched for nothing. At least when I get punched, I can punch back that person hard enough to let him or her feel the pain too.

    After two months of training, I start to get a little fit physically. I mean a little haha because I eat like a dinosaur. LOL! Getting lectured by grandma though. She doesn't allow me to go for this kickboxing stuff. After she saw the bruises that I got on my leg, she started scolding me haha. Yea it's a huge patch of bruise, and not just a patch, there was a few. But you know what, going for training, punching and kicking standing sandbag, it's definitely one of the healthiest ways to destress. 

    So yea, you'll see me continue going for training. Like woohoo go go fighter, I wanna be a fighter haha! The last year in university, not many chances anymore. But still going to do my best.

C'est la vie

    At the end of this two-week trimester break, I have a lot going on my mind. I've thought about a lot of stuffs that I usually wouldn't go thinking about them. I do not know why but it gives me the feeling I don't belong to any certain places or groups of people, perhaps not in Malaysia and perhaps not with their ways of thinking. Sometimes I try to understand people while nowadays when I have plenty of time I try putting myself into their shoes. I use heart to feel and soul to feel, yet I do not seem to find the answers.

    Their words hurt but they they don't know that they are hurting you. You treat some people nicely but you don't get to be treated the way you treat them. Some people are just good in pulling you down from your normal self-esteem level either from academic aspect, physical looking, skin color and so on. However, they act like victims as if I bully them. At first you thought they were so mature because of the way they presented themselves to you. Time reveals one's true self. Eventually I stop caring, you go your way and I go my way; you continue pretending and I start masking myself too. This is the way to survive in the world, I get it.

   The more I think, the more depressed I get. Before this break, I aimed to seek peace within this time being.Sometimes words from other party hurt, but your words hurt them too. I don't feel like explaining myself, because the more explanation given the deeper I fall in the darkness. Nowadays I just don't feel loved, frankly I don't feel loved from anyone. I'm sorry if I offended anyone of you, but I just have to speak the honesty out. I can't feel loved except from my grandma, I can't feel it from anyone out there. I feel I've been abandoned.

    As French proverb goes, c'est la vie. It'll get better and I'll feel better. I'm learning to walk the way on my own, without companion. It's better off company from the wrong people.

Black is the new sexy?Or new way to grieve?

    Lately I've been mostly in black, either shirts, pants, skirts, dresses, and so on. Black is the new sexy eh? Hmm NO NO. I wear it for few reasons perhaps. Allow me to enlighten you.

    First and foremost, in case you do not know, my mother passed away since 2014. Since then I've been grieving, over and over again. Grieving is a non-stop process, you just can't get rid of it, you can't amend the broken pieces on your heart even the four chambers are still on their own positions. Yet they are broken into millions or perhaps billions pieces within themselves without being able to be noticed even using X-ray. At some point, you just can't feel your heartbeats. Sometimes, you try to sit alone silently, listening attentively to the beating of heart, but it's empty there. It's like you're a dead person in a live body. So I can't help myself from continuing to grieve. I wear black or dark colors to tell the people around (maybe no one knows) that I'm living with grief. Yes, I tried to be happy, tried to put myself with other colors such as red, white, yellow and so on but they all don't suit me. Putting them on myself makes me feel like I'm disgusting, why I wear bright color to grieve over someone who's the dearest to me. I feel so disgusting that I hate myself. Unless the situation leaves me no choice, else I'm always with the black or dark colors covering me.

   Second, it's because black represents the state I'm in. So you may be curious what state I'm in? Well, relating back to my loss, I'm in grief and so it leads to depressed. Yea, you read it right I'm in depression. Since my mommy passed away, I feel depressed because the only true love in this world has left me behind all alone in this big big world. No I do not have a father, I'm from a single parent family. So in just a night, I turned to an orphan. Go on telling me 'you have aunts to take care of you', 'you have a super duper good grandma to love you', and so on. But let me tell me, the feelings or the love you get from them are fucking different from what you feel from your mother. They love me, but I just want a mother's love. I'm so depressed that everytime when others mention about their mothers, it reminds me that I'm an orphan. Mother's day is the scariest for me, whenever I hear about it, it reminds me that I lost my mother in 2014 and that's the fact that I can't do anything to change. So for me black color best represents my life. I just love it.

    Next, for me black color is a strong armor that secures me well under its shade. I feel strong and witchy in black. I feel so powerful although I'm so broken inside. Black covers me with its magnificent armor, securing me from breaking down so easily in front of human beings. So wearing black helps me to face family, friends and crowds.

   These are the main three reasons why I love wearing black so much. I thought of blogging it out because I was thrown with a statement by grandma this morning, 'you like to wear black so much,aren't you?'. Obviously it's a statement that needs no answer.

   Afterall, black is one of the ways I use to grieve.

Tattoo,in memory of my late mother

   It's been ages I'm not on here, not that I did not have anything to update; of course I do but too busy for that. So here's a little update on my tattoo that I've gotten myself months ago.

   Getting the tattoo, because I want to remember mommy in this way. Because she's worth all the pain-in-ass I got myself, she's far more worth the pain. Not to deny, I'd constantly find some stuffs to do which can bring me the pain physically, this is one of the ways I do to temporarily stop the mental pain I'm going through everyday. Not that healthy, but this is how I can help to ease myself. A friend told me he's acknowledged that when someone in pain, he or she tends to find something which can hurt him or her physically, just so he or she can feel better. It's a true statement, guess he read from psychology article or something like that. Afterall, quote from John Green 'pain demands to be felt'.

   So I did a lot of research on the Internet, and planned to have my first-ever-tattoo-in-this-21-years at Dragonfly Tattoo, because I saw a lot of good comments from the customers and their tattoo artists all look friendly, by that I mean easy to be approached type haha. I know it's of no good to judge people from their looks, but friendly looks make me comfortable. So I made an appointment with one of the female artists. Then planned to go after my study tour for my course purpose and to meet my lovely panni because she studies at KL.

   On 21st March, I took the train all the way from my university, which is at Kampar to KL sentral. Then had my breakfast there, to increase my glucose level so I would not faint during the tattoo later. LOL! At 11a.m., I reached Midvalley then went to the uppest level which the studio is located.

   Greeted by a guy, asking some questions only I realized the artist I made appointment with actually does not work here, she already transferred to 1Utama. Leaving no choice, I had to cancel the appointment with her, I'm so sorry, I truly am. Because I don't have any free time to go to KL again since my schedule for the trimester was actually very full. I felt so embarrassed and wicked, because I made an appointment but then had to cancel with her. Gosh I honestly felt like slapping myself that time. So asked the guy artist if he could take the appointment over and he said yea. 

   I showed him the design I wanted, with the three alphabets of my mom's name on top of it. He used around 15 mins to print it out and made some improvements (I guess? LOL). Then I was led to the room, I was given a towel to wrap myself because the place I want to be tattooed was 5cm below the collarbone. I still could not really picture the idea of letting a male artist to tattoo me at this intimate part (at least for me it is). But no choice, after that I just did as what I was told. After that we both realized actually no towel was needed, just I had to lower down both the straps (romper strap and bra strap of course). So he started the process. The skin was cleaned with the alcohol, then the paper he printed earlier which was the design I wanted, was pressed on the skin for few mins. Then it was pulled out, and I saw a bluish outlined design. He asked me to check if the position and the size were as I requested. Then everything was ok, we went on for tattoo.

   When I lied down, I started to feel a little nervous, asking him if it was painful. HAHA! I guess everyone who's gotten tattooed before would ask right? Then he replied 'hmm not that painful but it's impossible if you expect no pain at all.' Very much agreed to what he said. He's really a friendly man, nice to talk to as well. And he gave me their WiFi password, so I did not have to use my own data. How kind of him! Then I was busy to whatsapp with my friends, or maybe I was pretending to be busy haha. Then I was really busy telling them about the process of tattooing, about my crush (if not mistaken, LOL) so that all those chatters could distract me. He switched on the radio beforehand, and I still remember the first song which came up was '以后别做朋友', which is an emotional song. I tried not to be affected. Then the second song overtook, which was '小幸运'. I was like whyyyyyyy? whyyy all emotional songs? Hahahaha! He let me checked all the tools and needles he was going to use, to ensure they've not been used before.

   Ok, here it went, the first needle penetrated through my epidermis, then my dermis. I was like OMG OMG OMG so painful. LOL! Ok, I'm exaggerating it. To be honest, it was quite painful. You can refer here to see the pain level of each part of body where you want to get your tattoo on. Then he asked me if it was painful, I think I replied not that bad, obviously trying to act stronger than any men I've met. Then he went on, we were chatting at the same time too. But the conversation did not go long, maybe because I was awkward. Ok or maybe he did not want to talk to me haha.

   It took me one and a half hour for the whole process if I remembered correctly. Then it was done. 'Yeayyyy, it shall be on my body till I become ashes', I thought to myself. He put on a piece of hmm, I don't know what it's called, a piece of transparent paper on it. Then I was advised to remove the paper after 2 hours. Then I made the payment and thanked him and then met up with my friend.

   We went for lunch and then movie, with her boyfie. Met after so long, but never felt a singly awkwardness. That's what proved the real friendship or sisterhood we share. She's really my best bestfriend. Well, I plan to remove the paper after movie but obviously it had fallen before that. Maybe just after half an hour of walking out the studio, it already fell. I'm kind of clumsy girl, so yea nothing much to expect from me haha. 

   Then around 6pm I went back to KL Sentral, waiting to take the train back to Kampar. Of course my lovely panni and her bf accompanied all the way to KL Sentral, waited me till the train reached. Having to meet her after so long is definitely one of the best thing ever.

   If you asked me how painful it was, the answer is 'It is nothing as compared to the pain of losing my mother'. The pain was nothing at all. Frankly, I felt so good after the tattoo, because the physical pain eased me from the mental pain, even it's just temporarily. 

Ok here's the photo of my tattoo. Oh yeay, forgot to tell you guys the artist which I went to named Marcus,if anyone wants to get tattoo, you may find him. He's really friendly and professional, I've seen his artworks before. 

Floral with my mom's name

   So it looks pretty right? Thanks to Marcus.

   Well yea I got inked but don't judge. People who get inked usually have their reasons, like for my case it's because I want to and I choose to remember my mom this way. I want to undergo the pain again using this way. 

That's all for now, bye xoxo

Here I am,thanking mommy for bringing the 21-year-old me to the world

Ça va? It's been long I haven't blogged,yea cliché as the same old reason, was busy with the short trimester. Now, we have been gifted with the 4 weeks break, hoo-rayyyyy! First week has passed, not much time left to be wasted on meaningless stuffs. Today, it's the 30th Dec, the 21st year I place my feet on this earth! Old enough, I know right!

    Birthday celebration has never really meant so much to me, because when I was small, mommy used to throw big big parties for the small me every year, it was tiring you know. I mean all those of 'hey aunty,thank you for coming to my party', 'hi *insert whoever you want*,how've u been,after so long didnt meet finally you can make it to my birthday party', or 'hey you, ughh what's your name again?oh yea,you're friend's mom,thanks for coming over' and bla bla bla. Birthday, for me, I should thank my late mom to bring me to the world, to be part of the world even just a tiny bit that may not be realized sometimes because we have billions of humans in the world.
 

     But hey! Mommy was amazingly awesome because she was able to bear the weight, go through the pains to deliver me to this world, and of course to raise me to what I am today, to fulfill my needs, to support me and many more. Let me tell you how mighty my mom was, she took the responsibilities of being parents, yeay read it again parents, not just a mom, since I was young, she was the one to mold me to the lady whom I am showing the world today. I loved her, but still loving her, and will love her too in future, no one can get the first priority of her in my heart, no one will I insist. I'm not blessed enough to having mommy to enjoy this meaningful day with me, the second birthday without her ever since I step into the first year of 20s.

    Today was as usual, just spent it with a meaningful person, my cousie whom I used to share a lot of things to. It was glad enough to have her havinng lunch with me, watching movie and shopping. A simple lunch at Winter Warmer. 

Our lunchset, it was worth the bucks.

The seafood marina waffle that I ordered, it was yummy,very big portion too.

The teawares are pretty right? I got myself a teapot of Sunset in Santorini. Well not everyone can accept the taste, because it tasted like the combination of whiskey and tea.

    The set lunch was really worth the bucks with the big portion, and the delicious food, as well as you can opt the tea that you like from greentea, rose tea to many more tea choices. The environment was calm, with the Victorian design I presume? Pardon for the very little knowledge that I own.

    Besides, of course the friends from university had an advanced celebration for me. They invited my so-called 'nanhsen' to have dinner together too. LOL. 'Nanshen' is the guy whom you admire because of his attitude or talents, or perhaps physical appearance for some others. A big thank you to them for getting me an advanced one with the fancy Hello kitty jewelry box. Thank you friends <3 Let me post the pic of that pic to show y'all my cray-cray friends.

Let me present you from your left to right, kareen, guigui, elice,howzzai,yoyo,myself,alvin,cadmus and brandon.

    Not to forget, granny gave me angpao too with big big amount yo. So blessed to have a grams like her, it was so glad to have her in life. Of course thank you for all the friends who called and messaged to wish me, thank you everyone for all the wishes, I appreciate it really much. I'm not the type of wanting either small or grand presents, I don't need any presents as long as you have the hearty wishes, those heart-warming words mean more to me than the presents. Because those sincere wishes cannot are really expensive, they're priceless, you can't buy them with money, that's what I define my happiness for. Thank you people, your wishes are really appreciated and remembered.

     It was indeed a good day for my 21st self. Bonne anniversaire à moi! A young lady finally, so much more to achieve. Mommy, watch me over heaven, I know I can come this far is all due to you watching me from there. The promise that I made to you, I will have it done mom. I miss you love.

Finally a pic of myself :D

Gonna 'keyboard-off', goodnight and have sweet dreams everyone. May all of you be blessed with happiness and joy, may all your dreams come true.

     For this 21st birthday, I wish for the world's peace, the people in need can be assisted, the happiness of everyone, the blessing to rain upon all of us, and of course all the very best to all my beloveds especially granny, aunts and cousies who have always by my side since mommy passed away, and I wish for my dreams to be achieved too, and I pray for this all these wishes to be answered. Happy 21st again <3