C'est la vie

    At the end of this two-week trimester break, I have a lot going on my mind. I've thought about a lot of stuffs that I usually wouldn't go thinking about them. I do not know why but it gives me the feeling I don't belong to any certain places or groups of people, perhaps not in Malaysia and perhaps not with their ways of thinking. Sometimes I try to understand people while nowadays when I have plenty of time I try putting myself into their shoes. I use heart to feel and soul to feel, yet I do not seem to find the answers.

    Their words hurt but they they don't know that they are hurting you. You treat some people nicely but you don't get to be treated the way you treat them. Some people are just good in pulling you down from your normal self-esteem level either from academic aspect, physical looking, skin color and so on. However, they act like victims as if I bully them. At first you thought they were so mature because of the way they presented themselves to you. Time reveals one's true self. Eventually I stop caring, you go your way and I go my way; you continue pretending and I start masking myself too. This is the way to survive in the world, I get it.

   The more I think, the more depressed I get. Before this break, I aimed to seek peace within this time being.Sometimes words from other party hurt, but your words hurt them too. I don't feel like explaining myself, because the more explanation given the deeper I fall in the darkness. Nowadays I just don't feel loved, frankly I don't feel loved from anyone. I'm sorry if I offended anyone of you, but I just have to speak the honesty out. I can't feel loved except from my grandma, I can't feel it from anyone out there. I feel I've been abandoned.

    As French proverb goes, c'est la vie. It'll get better and I'll feel better. I'm learning to walk the way on my own, without companion. It's better off company from the wrong people.