Today, finally I'm able to voice it out without ache in the heart, ache that was used to sting through bones and chill to the bottom of heart. It's solely sharing of own thoughts, to my future self which I'll able to read what I was experiencing throughout stages of life, the post is not meant to criticize anyone.
Looking back to the relationship, it hits real hard, I realized everything was toxic. Not sure if the people or the relationship was toxic. But recalling back, I guess I was with someone who was quite manipulative. The adjective 'manipulative' wasn't just what I thought, but from his close friend as well. Throughout the relationship, he claimed I did not pay attention enough to him, I wasn't caring enough towards him and so on, he always said I care about my friends more than him. For people who have been with me before I met him, everyone knew I put him first before friends (shame on me haha!).
Things were all good at first, till there was a time (without warning or anything happened), things started changing. I was still trying to hold onto the relationship, there were countless times that he wanted to call it off, and I even shoved all my ego, sense of shame, and begged him not to. It was like WHAT.THE.FUCK? I cried and begged him, told him I'd care for him more, I'd listen to him, and cried and cried and cried. There was a time when we quarreled almost every week when we met (I always drove all the way from KL to Kampar every Friday), and I cried every week. Dumb girl, I know haha! But memories started fading off, now I can't remember most of the good or bad memories we had, guess that's what people call moving on.
Realization came hitting real hard when this thing which he did took a big turn in the relationship. He cheated on me, things started when it was voting season. I didn't go to Kampar to accompany him, instead going back hometown with bestfriend for voting and staying there till weekend and only back to KL, and decided to stop by Kampar to see him. He started getting closer with this Japanese exchange student who also lived at the same hostel. So they even shared the intimacy acts which I found out through texts, but of course he claimed they did not.
We quarreled again, and of course as the typical him, he put the blame on me, saying I did not care for his feelings and all, the Japanese girl was a good listener. I gave in, and took the blame, thinking it was my fault that I wasn't a good listener. I even told him he can see her as listener, but flirting cannot go beyond physical. I started having panic attack since then, I trembled mostly in sleep, or sometimes during the day.
We quarreled again, and of course as the typical him, he put the blame on me, saying I did not care for his feelings and all, the Japanese girl was a good listener. I gave in, and took the blame, thinking it was my fault that I wasn't a good listener. I even told him he can see her as listener, but flirting cannot go beyond physical. I started having panic attack since then, I trembled mostly in sleep, or sometimes during the day.
Till one fine Thursday night, I decided to surprise him by driving there without telling him. We were on the phone earlier, he said he'd go for his friend's hostel. Reached, and decided to talk to the Japanese girl which he refused to let me communicate with before. Knocked the door, damn nervous, more nervous than any public speaking experiences I had, I don't know why I was nervous when it wasn't even my fault. She opened the door, I heard guy's voice, I talked and she said she was sorry and all, she didn't mean to disturb him or get close with him and blablabla. I saw someone moving the window from bathroom, instinct said it was something wrong, asked her open the door to let me see who's inside, she did not want to, and I pushed the door, taa-daa guess what I saw?
As dramatic as you guys see in the drama, I saw him naked from head to toe in bathroom. He even said he was just using the bathroom, guess everyone really thinks my IQ is lower than a 3 y/o, perhaps I'm that dumb haha. Of course they had all the fun, which he only admitted after ages.
Me not forgiving him, but after a month, I decided to forgive him and we got back together. The first week everything was good and cool. Till the following weeks, he became scarier. I was scared of him. He constantly told me he wasn't sorry for cheating on me, he told me it was my fault that he cheated and so forth. So many things happened, he'd get very furious even a lil tiny thing happened. The thing that left the most impact till now was, I remembered he was talking about the racial issue like how he used to (not the first time, so many times he'd say something negative about Chinese), and I asked him why must him always say negative thing about it, and never heard of him criticizing about Japanese. The next min, he turned into monster, as if wanted to eat me alive (guess he was furious because of him having fun with the Japanese before, so when I mentioned about Japanese, he was ashamed of what he did), he shouted at me and started cursing. He was patient with my panic attack when we first got back, but eventually he told me to shove up my feeling and he didn't care about it whenever I had panic attack.
Me not forgiving him, but after a month, I decided to forgive him and we got back together. The first week everything was good and cool. Till the following weeks, he became scarier. I was scared of him. He constantly told me he wasn't sorry for cheating on me, he told me it was my fault that he cheated and so forth. So many things happened, he'd get very furious even a lil tiny thing happened. The thing that left the most impact till now was, I remembered he was talking about the racial issue like how he used to (not the first time, so many times he'd say something negative about Chinese), and I asked him why must him always say negative thing about it, and never heard of him criticizing about Japanese. The next min, he turned into monster, as if wanted to eat me alive (guess he was furious because of him having fun with the Japanese before, so when I mentioned about Japanese, he was ashamed of what he did), he shouted at me and started cursing. He was patient with my panic attack when we first got back, but eventually he told me to shove up my feeling and he didn't care about it whenever I had panic attack.
Thing continued few more days, when I had to come back KL for exhibition, that morning he was cold, I did not know what I did wrong, clearly I didn't do anything wrong. He texted me he'd talk to me when he felt like to (he did this so many times), and that was the time I decided to end everything. Yes, it might be my fault to end it over texts instead of meeting in person.
I could not take it anymore, that he constantly told me he wasn't sorry for cheating and put the blame on me for his wrongdoing, and he was on and off whenever he felt like to.
That was then I realized my self worth, why did I have to lose myself in order to make someone feel superior? Why did I have to let someone affect my mental health for giving him the power to take control of my life? Why did I shed so much tears for a guy who wouldn't even take care of my panic attack (which he was the root cause)? Even then, I was badly cursed when I wanted to end the relationship.
Lots of whys, and I finally had the courage to decide what is the best for me. After what had happened, I went for counselling sessions, thanks to the counselor and siaozhabo for helping me with the counselling appointment. Of course at first, the break-up didn't come easy, I cried every night, I tried to get drunk so many nights and even puked in the club.
I could not take it anymore, that he constantly told me he wasn't sorry for cheating and put the blame on me for his wrongdoing, and he was on and off whenever he felt like to.
That was then I realized my self worth, why did I have to lose myself in order to make someone feel superior? Why did I have to let someone affect my mental health for giving him the power to take control of my life? Why did I shed so much tears for a guy who wouldn't even take care of my panic attack (which he was the root cause)? Even then, I was badly cursed when I wanted to end the relationship.
Lots of whys, and I finally had the courage to decide what is the best for me. After what had happened, I went for counselling sessions, thanks to the counselor and siaozhabo for helping me with the counselling appointment. Of course at first, the break-up didn't come easy, I cried every night, I tried to get drunk so many nights and even puked in the club.
Enough is enough, and so I finally stood up, decided to love myself more, instead of letting myself go aimlessly. Here I am today, loving myself more and knowing my self worth, building back the confidence and everything else.
Thank you for everyone who was with me and helped me to go through it, no words can describe how thankful I actually feel although I did not utter a word about it, especially siaozhabo, eelin & cy.
Mommy would be so grateful and thankful to them for taking care of her dumb girl, and she'd be proud of me for taking such decision. Thank you for my counselor, Joey, you're such an angel. To everyone who makes me realize my self-worth, thank you ;')
Mommy would be so grateful and thankful to them for taking care of her dumb girl, and she'd be proud of me for taking such decision. Thank you for my counselor, Joey, you're such an angel. To everyone who makes me realize my self-worth, thank you ;')
