Losing my mother means losing everything in my life because she was the only parent I had. It means everything I do, I relate to her, I think of her, I just can't have anything done without thinking about those what-if-she-is-still-here-and-things-wouldnt-be-the-same-anymore.
Not to lie to anyone including myself, I did really care about my 21st birthday, maybe I still do. Nah, not about what I got from friends or what, but about receiving a gift from my mother. She passed away in 2014 and of course I couldn't receive any 21st-birthday-gift from her last year. And yes, to be frank, it's heart-wrenching whenever I see everyone's receiving gifts from his or her mother. I'm envious of them, really envious. I still remember how I passed my 21st birthday, I pretended it wasn't my birthday because it made me sad. At the end of the day, just went to get some meal and movie, then was hoping the time could forward fast enough to the next day. Then at the end of the day, I still pretended to be joyful and posted about it. That was sucked huh? I know. So what if my mother was still here, of course she'd make my 21st like a 21st right? I don't ask for any grand celebration, but the warmth and love that I've longed for. So what if she was still there when I was 21st?
Apart from this, nowadays after I got my license for the purpose of my internship which is on the way of next year September, I was hoping to get a car soon to allow me to practice for at least half of the year to get skillful enough to drive everywhere. So thought of maybe I could drive to campus in the coming trimester or next year January, but hah shame on me! Still a student, so yea need a guarantor to purchase a car of course. Too bad, guess no one is willing to be my guarantor. Well, surely I can understand, stuffs which involve money even though you don't need any single penny from them, who would be willingly to offer you to be your guarantor. They're afraid of those what-ifs too. Like what if Liz can't pay for the installment, then as a guarantor I have to pay for her then? What if Liz can't get a job in future then surely I'd be so dead being her guarantor right? What if and what if...And what if mommy was still here, of course she'll never have a doubt on my capability and be my guarantor, And I'll never have to be so depressed regarding this matter. What if mommy was still here everything will be easier right?
A lot of stuffs happen throughout these 2++ years. No I don't feel I'm loved, not from the ones I call them family. We can feel everything as long as we're alive. Yea, and I do as well. That's why I said I do not feel loved. Honestly, no sincere love is felt so far from them. Friends are the pillars throughout all this while. But sometimes I feel I'm left out too (I do not know I was really left out for few times or I was too depressed at those times and I overthought and misunderstood them). Without mommy, I lose the ability to feel loved the to love. I don't know what love feels like anymore. What if mommy was still here? I wouldn't have to go through a lot of heartbreakings, by changing my definition of family, love and kindness constantly. I wouldn't have to mask myself to be so short-tempered just to avoid anyone can see through me and notice I'm actually severely broken deep down inside. Same question, what if she was still here today?
It's been so long that I'm not able to sit down and talk to someone who is as dear as mother. I miss chatting randomly with my mommy, about everything, from crushing on cute guys to future plans. And I can never have this chance, ever again. After everything, I have to mask myself and be that happy-go-lucky-Liz. Grief is meant to be experienced alone, because if it is shared then everyone around is just gonna stay aloof from you because you're emotional one.
